Cruise control (just say no)

Read this before ever going on a cruise

“I was thinking, you guys,” I say to my kids, one of which I’m carrying on my back, in addition to a large day pack with water, snacks, books and games as we trudge down the gangway to get to the beach. 

“We need a vacation to make up for this vacation. What if we went on a different cruise next year?”

The boys are both quiet.

“Or how about we never go on a cruise again?”

My older son laughed. The younger one just rested his head on my back and nuzzled closer into me. 

“Aren’t they having a good time?” a woman walking down the pier next to us pipes up. 

I laughed. 

“We love the ship, but they’ve been sick this whole time,” I said. 

“Oh no!” she said. “Are you by yourself?” 

I could feel tears bubbling up. I hadn’t had an adult conversation in five days. Even though I told a few random strangers my kids were stuck in the cabin with a bad fever, so far no one’s been properly sympathetic, or noticed I’m here without a partner. 

“Yeah, just me,” I said proudly, but also feeling like I might come apart if she said one more kind thing. 

“You got this, mama,” she said, giving a brave look that was all the parental sympathy and support I needed to keep going. I hiked up my kid and carried him the entire 2 kilometres to the white Caribbean sand, determined to get his sick little toes in that aquamarine ocean.

What can I say about my cruise last week? 

It was the best of times and the worst of times. Our “50th birthday cruise” to celebrate me turning 40 and my oldest son turning 10, ended up being our “in-room staycation cruise,” with me nursing two very sick kids and occasionally sneaking out to watch sunsets if I thought no one was going to be throwing up in the garbage can while I was out. 

And…

I had the best time ever. 

I got to spend seven consecutive days with my boys, not working even a little bit, something I haven’t done since I was married. They’re older now, and so much fun. We like the same jokes. We can read each other funny passages from books. Even my six year old can compromise and care for his brother and me when necessary.

Being that far out into the ocean was an incredible feeling.

The recently built, 6000-person ship Utopia of the Seas was full of endless fascinating sights. An ice rink, a living wall five decks high, a zip line, a waterpark, a surf simulator, a dry slide that took you from deck sixteen down to deck six, glass elevators everywhere. And did you know ships don’t have a thirteenth floor?

Here’s one piece of advice, in lieu of advice about email (sorry—I’m tapped!): 

Unless you love drinking and hanging out in nightclubs, you should probably never go on a Royal Caribbean cruise. I suspected we might not be in the right place minutes after we boarded the ship, reading the grown ups t-shirts:

“One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”
“Drink, drank, drunk.”
“Let’s get drunk and make bad decisions.”

So that’s what adults do on cruises. I always wondered. 

It’s a lot of bodies and a lot of booze and a lot of noise. 

I saw a woman checking Facebook while we sat in the audience waiting for a show to start. I thought to myself, “MORE stimulus, really?! How can she stand it?” I was grateful my eSIM didn’t work so at least my phone wasn’t piling on more stimulus.

I’m home now, tired and sore, but my heart is full in spite of everything.

I’m grateful I could afford this trip with my kids, and that I won’t be spending the next six months paying off a credit card bill for a trip that wasn’t what we hoped. 

I’m grateful to have enough to pay for the little extras that make travel so much easier—food deliveries, room service, a day hotel to wait out the long layover between getting off the ship and getting on an airplane for home. 

More than anything, I’m grateful to be home.

See you next week when I promise to bring the conversation back to something at least a little bit email related. 

I was too tired this week. 

Till then

T-Boss

Tarzan Kalryzian [she/they]
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