Tarzan Kay

<tarzan@tarzankay.com>

June 7, 2022

to you

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Subject:

divorce, swollen eyeballs, and the path to recovery

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I'm moving like a superhuman these days, doing it all until my body literally quits on me, as it did this morning. 

Axe in hand, resting bitch face = my approach to life rn

I woke up to every muscle in my body crying out for relief, an itchy foot all swollen from a 3-day-old bee sting and one eye turned puffy and gooey for reasons unknown.

Brains on fire. Body checked out. 

The last couple of weeks have been all about letting go of the push to always “find a balance.”

Life is changing so fast that I can hardly keep up. I’m stepping up to talk about my mental health because I am human, and this is by a long shot the most challenging period of my life that I can remember. 

You've probably felt something like this, and if you're like me, you can relate.

Here's what my recovery path looks like rn:

Write a million emails

Let go of something I thought I wanted

Grieve

Cry

Go to mediation

Lay on my porch for a while

Breathe

Try something else

Tick things off a list somewhere

Try to please my ex-husband

Fail

Book more therapy, more coaching, find more support

Try something new

Succeed

Make another list so I can tick more things off

Look at social media and feel sorry for myself

Try again

Listen to my bestie’s playlists on Spotify

“I did it, I did it, microdosing brought me back!!”

Get a cheeseburger at McDonald’s

Buy toys for my kids so they like coming to my house

Got to kayak practice

Take care of myself because I forgot to do that for a while

Make room for more

Dance, cry, laugh, and wonder what's next

The only constant and predictable thing that I know works is working on my relationship with myself. Being relentless and unapologetic in taking care of Tarzan.

All-day long I repeat this mantra to myself:

“I love you, Tarzan. I love you, Tarzan. I love you, Tarzan.” 

When I forget to remember my love for myself, I pile on more words of encouragement:

“You’re making really good choices, Tarzan. I’m so proud of you. You’re a great mom.”

(When I remember to tell myself that last thing it always makes me cry. I forget so often that I am a wonderful and loving mother to my children.)

Divorce is no cakewalk. Neither is single parenting. Neither is running a business. Maybe neither is anything worth doing. 

We are both too smart to fall for magic tricks and overnight success, but we can dream.

I’m here to remind you today to give yourself some grace. 

We all need grace. 

I bet you’re making really good choices, %FIRSTNAME%. I hope you’re proud of yourself. I hope at some point today you take a second to look at yourself in the mirror and say, “I love you, %FIRSTNAME%.”

Take it slow, baby. 

We’re doing good work. 

T-Boss

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