Tarzan Kay


August 29, 2023

to you

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bear spray, back-to-school and the missing diva cup

I’m rummaging through the bathroom cupboard looking for my diva cup when I hear a full-volume, banshee-level cry from the living room.

Three seconds later my son rounds the corner into the bathroom, his hands over his eyes. 

“MOM!” He screams. “Something sprayed me and it stings!

He bends his little frame over the sink so I can scoop cold water on his face. That’s when I see telltale drops of bright orange oil dripping into the basin.

Fuck. It’s fucking BEAR SPRAY. My kid just fucking maced himself. 

I call 9-1-1, and within minutes there are paramedics in my bathroom. I wonder if they saw the trail of blood leading from the front door, down the hallway and into the bathroom floor because I still haven’t found my goddamn menstrual cup. (I would find and insert it hours later, reminding me in the worst way possible that my hands are still covered in bear spray residue.)

Welcome to your final lap of summer, Tarzan. Buckle up. 

Here’s what my last 4 weeks of summer  look like.. 

1 bathroom renovation

4 days hosting a live retreat for my mastermind

3 camping trips 

21 portages 

11 days in the woods

2 kids doing their “back to school” thing (please let me keep them forever!)

18 emails to review for participants in my secret membership 

3 babysitters (one of which I had to fire yesterday)

I’m writing to you from a café where my laptop is tethered to my phone because the WIFI isn’t working. I should’ve made a plan for the bathroom reno but I didn’t. 

What’s a little noise, I reasoned. I’ll power through. 

Nuh-uh, you won’t! 

A bunch of lumberjacks are currently sledgehammering tiles eight feet from my Mac. I could literally see them through a hole in the ceiling right above my desk, which is one floor below the bathroom. 

…so that’s what I’m dealing with right now. 

I did this to myself, really. Other than the bear spray thing, obvi. And the bathroom reno I didn’t want but my landlord insisted was obligatory if I didn’t want my home to turn into a water-damaged hovel fit for rats and mice.

But the truth is I like living a big life. I am in the mood to go hard. FCKN BRING IT ON, MERCURY RETROGRADE! Have you met me? I’m Tarzan and I can do anything.* 

So that’s me. No business lessons today. (You’re welcome.) Just a raw glimpse of my flavour-filled life as an online business owner.

What about you?

What’s hard right now? What’s easy? If you could click your fingers and make just one problem disappear, what would it be? 

I’ll go first. 

I’d like to magic away the bear spray residue from my favourite Iris Apfel rug. That shit is gearing up for exactly the level of commitment I dreamed of from all my high school boyfriends put together. 


Just yikes.


*Correction. I can do anything EXCEPT mow my lawn. I’m retiring for the season! I sent an SOS to my ex-husband’s lawn guy asking him to take over for the rest of the season. Plus another to a person who cleans my house sometimes when life gets extra big. 

When life gets big, ask for support. There. That’s the lesson.   

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